Life in the head of Maxwell

It’s been a while since I’ve written anything for this blog. Frankly, I’ve been too busy, or too lazy, so I apologize to all 2 of you who may regularly check out my blog (I’m being optimistic here). A lot has been going on in my life lately. I don’t really know how to describe all of it, nor will I for all of the interwebz to see, but I’ll try to go through a little bit of it.

I have been experiencing one of the age-old problems that comes with attending college: not know what the heck you believe. This ranges from politics, to social issues, to religious doctrine, and heck, it feels like the only thing I do know for sure is that God is good. Maybe that’s enough, but for my mind, I need some sense of intellectual assurance, so this has been a very difficult time for me. I have been getting more and more into Debate, which I love, but it causes me to look at so many issues, and makes me realize just how little I actually know. I want to know what to believe, to have a firm understanding of everything and make an educated decision based upon that knowledge, but I am coming more and more to the realization that it will never happen. It’s a scary thing for me. For my whole life, I have relied upon my brain to get me what I need, to help me understand something, and act upon that understanding. For most of my life, I have acted upon reason, and the few times I’ve acted upon emotion, they have quite frankly, left me for dead. So this whole not knowing business is frightening for me. I don’t know if I should be a Democrat, Republican, Libertarian (what I’m leaning towards), Socialist, or a Communist. There are really good arguments for all of them, and I don’t feel I have enough information to choose, and I feel that I won’t ever. Winston Churchill once wrote, “If a man isn’t Liberal when he’s 20, he doesn’t have a heart. If he isn’t Conservative by the time he’s 40, he doesn’t have a brain.” (Courtesy of Russ Elliott) I’m sure that’s true, since that’s the general trend I see for people, but I don’t want it to be true. It implies that experience is the only thing necessary to really bring about a formulation of opinions in these situations. I don’t want experience to have to teach me here, I want to learn from other’s mistakes, and make a rational decision. My heart (isn’t this problematic?) tells me I’m just going to have to go through the experience though.

This whole politics thing is very challenging, because I know my faith affects my political standpoint, but I really don’t know how. I can’t decide if there is a certain political stance that Christians ought to take over others. Libertarianism is probably not the best one in the sense that many Libertarians support things I morally and ethically oppose (prostitution, anyone?) but at the same time, so do Republicans, Democrats, Commies, Nazis and basically every other group out there. I’ve heard so many arguments that Christians should support Socialism, because Socialism is what Jesus taught. Help others besides yourself, etc. But my head tells me that it’s not analogous to say that Jesus supports socialism… for instance, Jesus supports helping others over yourself. True. I don’t doubt that at all. How is it that I can help somebody if a huge amount of money is being spent by the government on things I don’t necessarily support? So maybe the best way I can live out my Christian life is to go the capitalism route. Then you get people who say, “Capitalism is the most self-centered, materialistic ideology out there!” Well, yes, for many people it is, but it seems from experience (stupid experience coming back to bite me again) that Capitalism is the best producer of wealth, and so there is more for people to give back, but just because people have money doesn’t mean they won’t use it for good. Look at Bill Gates… that guy gives me 10 grand a year to go to school… I think that’s pretty cool. Capitalism worked for him. But then there are those who like to extort people, and take advantage of the disenfranchised within Capitalism, so it’s evil. But people sit on their duffs, watching T.V. and getting fat (sloth, gluttony, a few other of the 7) when you have a welfare state, cause other people are paying for it… so which one produces less evil? These are questions I have… every single day.

Also, this whole Doctrine thing that’s going on in my head. I really don’t know what to believe anymore. After reading Romans 9 I kinda feel like an idiot for bashing on Calvinism so much. Paul gives a straight up Apologetic for Calvinist thought. I can’t deny that. All the studying I’ve done on it agrees. But I still don’t think the Reformers had it all right. I don’t think Arminians have it right either. My gut (see, these dang emotions again) tells me it’s some kind of hybrid that my feeble little brain cannot comprehend. That somehow, God has entire Sovereignty, and I have entire free will. Both arguments are found in Scripture… which means… both are true. But if you talk to any Calvinist, they will tell you free will isn’t found with consistent exegesis (which I think is the most bull-crap sorry excuse I’ve ever heard, my apologies Rich) and you talk to any Arminian and they will tell you that Romans 9 is in regards to an entire nation of people, especially in regards to the Jacob vs Esau comparison used by Paul (I think this is also a cop-out). What’s the right answer? I don’t know. I think though, that I don’t need to know, and that’s probably why God has smacked me with it. I have tried to wed the two ideas, but they simply cannot be wed with my limited human understanding, but that won’t stop me from trying to at least hammer out more what I believe. I had a talk with my Philosophy prof, Jack Wisemore, and I think he stands about the same place I do, which is: they’re both right… but both wrong, but that doesn’t mean that he knows what is right. The only thing that I know, and I’m sure Jack is on the same page, is that God is good. It’s still an interesting thought though. I was expressing some of my thoughts to my girlfriend the other day, explaining one of my hypotheses, that maybe God predestines some people, but allows others the choice (this would allow for Romans 9 to be true, as well as showing God’s desire that all shall be saved… not saying it’s right… it has a lot of flaws, but it is something I’ve kinda tossed around) and she ran into the same problem we all do. That doesn’t make any sense. That’s stupid. God has to be one way or the other. He has to choose, or he has to let us choose. Can’t be both, and it can’t be part of either, it has to be fully one, or fully the other. She got rather frustrated with me at the time, because I have really been going insane. Not know what to believe, or who’s word to take. (Yes I know I need to take God’s word, but that’s the freakin problem! He says both… o.O) Do you understand what it’s like to run into something like this? The very being that I worship, and serve, and am studying, has put this nice, fat intellectual barrier between me and him. Or, I have, rather. My good friend Randy once told me something, and since Randy is quite possibly the most intelligent man I’ve ever known, I’m sure it applies to me as well. He told me that once God spoke to him at the alter, and told him to bask in His simplicity, and marvel in His mystery. He just told me that in passing once, but it has stuck with me ever since. I find myself reminding me of his experience over and over again. It’s true. I need to stop trying to put God in my little intellectual box, because just by trying to put God to where he can be comprehended, it detracts from His glory. I just can’t help the fact that I’m a very rational person.

Lacking knowledge has also been a problem for me. In the debate circuit, people have been studying politics since the 9^th grade, they know every little thing that’s happened all over the world. I feel like a bumbling idiot sometimes. Wait, what happened in Somalia in 1921? What about Watergate? I don’t know so much of this stuff… it’s a rather humbling experience. I am looking forward to learning more about these topics, and I hope to one day be at the level of some of these debaters (hopefully next year!), but I have this feeling, that the more I get to know, the more I’ll know about how little I really know. I think that’s a Chinese Parable or something. I am going to be doing a lot of reading this summer. Any suggestions as far as politics go? And no, I won’t be reading Glenn Beck… Machiavelli is on my list, as well as Locke and Rousseau. Which brings me to another thing.

I am going to be working down in California this summer. This is a pretty big deal for me, as I’m hoping to make a good deal of money down there, and be able to really get a lot of studying and exercise done. I am still unsure of exactly what it’s going to look like for me, but I am trusting that God’s plan will be worked through it, as the circumstances in which the job came to me appear to be rather divine. This should be a cool experience, and I’m looking forward to it. I’m ready for the difficulty that will come with it, but it will be worth it.

Also, this whole growing up business. I have been a rather independent young man for a while. I have been able to decide for myself what I want to do, where I want to go, what I want to spend my money on, all of those things. I feel like I lived the “college life” in high school. I really appreciate that, and I think God had(s) a purpose in making it so, but it still puts me at an awkward position. Many of my friends are in their 20’s. The guys I have lived with during my senior year are all over 21, my girlfriend is a couple months off of being 21, and I’m 19. What scares me the most, is when I stop to think, then realize my dad was only 2 years older than I am now when I was born. This really scares the crap out of me. My dad isn’t even super young for my age, so I am really starting to realize that I am grown up. Many “adults” look at me, and still think I’m just a kid, and to them, maybe I am. But I am not anymore, and I don’t think I have been for a couple of years. But my body is now starting to catch up a bit with where my experience has been. I am getting that urge to start settling down. I find myself going to the Men’s section of clothing instead of the Young Men’s… I buy mostly dress shirts now. I find myself wanting to get an apartment so I can cook for myself, so I can have a cat or a dog, so I can start buying furniture. I look at some friends Facebook profiles and when I see their adorable kids running around, or their new family, or their new home, that I am really excited for when I can do that. It’s an interesting experience to have my body pushing me around again.

I really need to grow up in some areas though. I haven’t been doing my school work like the man that I am. It’s really been bothering me. I have been half-assing almost everything lately. I just sit on Facebook like a fool, doing nothing at all. Or I play guitar (which is a good thing, since practicing is never bad, but I really ought to find a designated time to do so) instead of doing my homework. I feel like this little black box that I am writing on now has consumed my life. I think I am going to take a laptop fast this summer, in so far as it doesn’t affect my job, or my studies. But I really have been sucked into it’s electric glow, the pixels that pop off the screen, and it really is no way to live. I really haven’t even taken the time to read anything of substance. All I really read, besides the news, is Facebook. What good does that really do me? None. None at all. I just need to pick up a good book, mostly political theory this summer, and read it. I also need to read my Bible more, considering it’s my field of study, and I’ve still never read fully through it. So I shall be doing that as well. So this rant is some of what I’ve been going through lately. I could use prayer, as this next little chapter of my life will be an interesting one, but I’m really curious to see what God does. Thanks for reading, if you have. This is just me, writing about crap that goes on in my head. If you have anything you wish to say, or feel like I ought to know, drop a comment. God is good!

Shalom!

Max